he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize