I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
