: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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