I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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