mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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