Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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