u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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