I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
