i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
