I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
