Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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