I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
