DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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