she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
