i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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