i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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