I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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