I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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