I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
