Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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