For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We need to get me chipped asap
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
