i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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