he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
