I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
