It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
