Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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