Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
