I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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