i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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