is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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