please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
