we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
