The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
