she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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