All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
