What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize