Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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