I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
as a side note pls kill me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
