First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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