I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Come share oat with me in your robe
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
