These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
