your thong is hanging out like whoa
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
