I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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