i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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