So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
