I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize