If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize