Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
