I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
