Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
