someone threw a dead crab at me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize