Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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