So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
