why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
