and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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