so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
