It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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