I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
