I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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