A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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