Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
