seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
