Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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