At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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