ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
