He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
