Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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