It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
