I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
